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Chest Intellectual Puffing by Ian Rand McKenzie

Tall Woman

I have a distant memory
Of a tall woman, so shimmery

Three times my size
My head up to her thighs

She wore a thin layer
Of blush and eyeliner

Off to a party
With laughs so hearty

I paid little attention
Of the things she mention

Her heart was soaring
What do I care? Adults are boring!

Ancient Bodies

There is a great shame
In this contemporary culture
Forgetting the origin of our name
This self-inflicted torture

Of course, value the insights of today
But, let us not stray

From the wisdom of old
The tales that were told

Our minds are new
With their technology penchant
Remember what's true:
Our bodies are ancient


I'm as awkward as...
A hog-tied snake
A dirt farm rake
A milkless shake
A fishless lake
A red tide clam bake
A red state gay wedding cake
Arbitrary rhymes, for goodness sake!


Almost every day
I am celebrateful
Of almost every way
That I am grateful

Sometimes it is miniscule
Others, it is great
Sometimes it is obscure
Others, painfully forward and straight

It makes no difference
The point is the act
To shed my indifference
And acknolowedge the fact...

...that it's easy to be grateful
That your future will be fateful...

...of experiencing joy
Of feeling belonging
Recognizing others' time is not your toy
To be here now, instead of yearnful longing


Everyone I know
Is a sagely mentor
Teaching what to bolster
And what to temper

Some of my mentors
Are cautionary tales
Are wind in my sails
Lift me from my fails

I have pure love and affection
To those I've paid attention
Numerous they may be
At least a thousand, maybe three

If you are one
You are my sun

Lighting my path
Culling my wrath

A kind and gentle lull
Warming and guiding my soul

Christmas Stocking

Everyone is mocking
My trusty Christmas stocking

With its big buttons
And size for a glutton

Everyone stares in shock
At my big 'ol Christmas sock

Yet it does have a small fandom
For its quirks are not random

Turns out, some poeple love
My silly Christmas foot glove

From when its design was first drafted
In turn, love is how it was crafted


If my house was ablaze
I would navigate the maze

To get all my stuff
My electronics, collectibles, and fluff

You know what I wouldn't mind?
If I left my wife behind

Because, WIFE BAD! That's my humor
You call it mean, I call it 'boomer'

If I Were A Book

If I were a book
I'd have a peculiar look

So heavy, the shelf would rattle
With a tightly stitched saddle

It would be a collection
Of the odd recollection

Of slapstick humor
And existential horror

It would be a mindbending ride
And an eventual slide

To simultaneous awakening and madness
And escape from sadness


It is always a pleasure
To care for the house
To keep things tidy
To keep out the mouse

It wasn't always easy
Doing my part
But all that changed
When I filled my heart

With purpose, with adrenaline, with love
Tidying a house, I am never above

With patience, with kindness, and giving
A tidy house is simple with a meaningful living


The most important lessons
Always take too long
Like your favorite part
Of that catchy song

You're never patient enough
For those words you heard today
To go from your ears
To your mind's inner fray

Be patient and truly listen
You may eventually find
An abundance of wisdom
In the present mind

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Do you normally dislike poetry? Me too! It turns out I like writing it, but I cringe at the thought of the stereotypical puffy culture surrounding it. If I want to smell my own farts all day, I stuff my belly with garlic and onions, thank you very much.

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Sorry, sorry! I just thought since you've been on this site for longer than average, you might hear me out?

Why do you do this to me, Ian...

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Also, I don't do anything shady or aggressive with your email address. I'll only send you the good stuff and won't share your email with any person/provider that isn't working for me to serve you better.

'Serve me better.' What deliciously vague jargon. Is this where you pretend to be me and you make me respond with a contrived form of consent because you're bold enough to assume this cute little chat interface gimmick is enough to actually get me to sign up?

Ummm... uhhh... ahh... Sign up and get exclusive discounts and early access!!!! Come ooooon! Induced scarcity is fun!

...alright, well, I'll leave it up to you.

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