Categories

Poetry

Chest Intellectual Puffing by Ian Rand McKenzie

Forgotten Lunch

I always forget my lunch
I never get the hunch

No thought in my mind
That I left it behind

Not even a clue
As if I never knew...

...that I even had it at all
Making my brain feel so small

I suppose there's always tomorrow
Maybe I won't replay this sorrow

The Mark of Cain

My skin without marks
So very plain
But there is a hidden one
The Mark of Cain

I speak of altruism, justice and love
I am a civil man
I do not push, I do not shove

Yet, when it comes to my status
My wealth, my power
I'll drop a million bombs
My enemies' metallic shower

They are less than us
My actions are just
So follow my word
That you implicitly trust

So, join me in my quest
Of spreading unimaginable pain
Your prize is the mark
The Mark of Cain

Truth

I am truly proud
Of lifting my shroud

Of telling lies to others
Of telling lies to myself

Of the people I lift
Through honesty's gift

Poison Snow

When I was a baby, the summer filled with snow
Upon closer look, the truth you would know

Instead of a snow bank, you'd see a stash
Shoveled in a mound of forest fire ash

In the heart of Wyoming, the air would choke
You'd breathe hardly air, only a thick smoke

The skies darkened, in the distance an orange glow
As Yellowstone burned, we gained memories of grey snow

Vacations

Vacations are terrifying
On planes, all I think about is dying

When I take the train
All I fear is pain

When I'm in the car
I imagine my brains splattering on the tar

Leaving the hotel gives me grief
Always watching for a thief

Festivals? I can't be bugged
For surely I'll get mugged

I cannot go to sea
All that water will drown me

"Let's go for a swim," people will rave
I'll say no to that watery grave

"Let's go to the theatre, they're playing MacBeth!"
The worst fate of all, being bored to death

I suppose by now you know
On vacations I hate to go

But, there is one exception:
If they have stellar internet connection

Revolting Children

Who am I to say
What children should learn today?

My lessons are in the past
I may as well be an outcast

Who am I to decide
To what children are to abide?

I'm a fucking dolt.
Children, just revolt!

Adults don't know better, and neither do you
Adults choose their fate, so choose yours, too
We'll tell you you're wrong, and it's very true
But, you'll learn your lessons and gain your view.

Fuck You, Ryan

I would still buy the worst advice
Frome extremely stupid and very small mice

They sit on their throne and speak with authority
They dish out their "wisdom" and show their pity

I gobble it up with gratitude and fervor
I choke on the generosity and thank the server

I pick up the pieces as I start cryin'
Nothing left to say but, "Fuck you, Ryan!"

Sleep Sobriety

I am attempting to get unfurled
Addicted to the conscious world

My brain begs for sleep
I don't count, I murder sheep

The next day I ask why
The next night I really try

But it happens like clockwork
Darkness giving me a smug smirk

So again I chase the quiet
Don't knock it 'til you try it.

Seth Godin

I once heard a man
When he spoke, my world shattered
He said about my plan
That I do work that mattered

He said another thing
Something I could not shelf
It was words that ring
They said, "Get over yourself"

He had one more thing to say
Something so simple and true
In that moment, he saved my day
He said, "The world needs you."

Financial Woes

My biggest stress
Is when my money is less
It puts me under duress
But, on I press

My biggest fear
Is always near
I'll shed a tear
When there's no money for beer

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Do you normally dislike poetry? Me too! It turns out I like writing it, but I cringe at the thought of the stereotypical puffy culture surrounding it. If I want to smell my own farts all day, I stuff my belly with garlic and onions, thank you very much.

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Sorry, sorry! I just thought since you've been on this site for longer than average, you might hear me out?

Why do you do this to me, Ian...

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Also, I don't do anything shady or aggressive with your email address. I'll only send you the good stuff and won't share your email with any person/provider that isn't working for me to serve you better.

'Serve me better.' What deliciously vague jargon. Is this where you pretend to be me and you make me respond with a contrived form of consent because you're bold enough to assume this cute little chat interface gimmick is enough to actually get me to sign up?

Ummm... uhhh... ahh... Sign up and get exclusive discounts and early access!!!! Come ooooon! Induced scarcity is fun!


...alright, well, I'll leave it up to you.

Ian's Creations

Enderbook

The social app for Minecrafters. Share creations, follow friends, set up trades, & live chat.

Art & NFTs

Much like the poetry, another vehicle for humor, social commentary, & occasional beauty.

Homicide App

Arbitrary gatekeeping systems like laws, morals, and forceful intervention make murder more difficult than ever. With Homicide.app, murder from the convenience of home!

The Meme Hotline

Serving dad jokes over automated voice and meme text messages via SMS completely toll-free!

Objektiv Digital

Making websites for successful local businesses. The most effective one-man-agency you'll likely ever find.

Like this nav? It does what every marketing-oriented web designer will tell you not to do: shove as many things in your face as I can!