Categories

Poetry

Chest Intellectual Puffing by Ian Rand McKenzie

Man in the City

In the days of my prime
I committed a social crime

For every day I would plot
To one day rule Camelot

Giving up fortune and fame
To play a silly game

Little did anyone know
This King Arthur would grow...

...from a boy everyone would pity
To an admired man in the city...

...who dares to have the audacious thought
of turning that city into Camelot.

Descendant

Oh, how lucky you will be
To see the death of me

To finally be on your own
To carry on what I've known

To add to the library more floors
To make the library yours

To open its doors to many more
To make space for more books to store

Oh, how lucky we will be
To share in your library

Afterlife

One day I will decide
To take a ride

To the highest peaks
Where everyone seeks

Peaceful solitude
For mental fortitude

Then descend to the steeple
To reach out to the people

To tell them the lie
That I learned from the sky

That the dead are in crowds
Floating in the clouds

Patience

If I could have bolstered talent
I would be more patient

To take time with my thoughts
To find all of my blind spots

To listen to experts
Even when it hurts

To know when we are all wrong
To know when to sing humanity's song

Brute

I'm a big, burly brute
From me stompers, to me clompers
I'm also bloody cute
All the ladies, big, burly rompers

When the sun shines
I'm smashing skulls
At night, there's wines
The size of ship's hulls

I'm a big, hairy beast
Sniffing out your puny flesh
Soon you'll be my feast
With the hogs and cows and fish

You are what you…

The thought is so sweet
To think you are what you eat
But, to this you must heed:
You are also what you read

If you read love and not fear
Your lovers you'll hold more dear

Which isn't to say you shouldn't know
Opposing thoughts are for you to grow

So read hate with empathy
And ignorance with telepathy

Nourish your hungry brain
With facts and love to stay sane

Zero Regrets

Many years ago
I favored warmth over snow

I chose entertainment
Over athletic fulfillment

I chose a different path
I never did the math
Drowning in a bath...

...of my own desires
Those fleeting fires

But, you can surely hedge your bets
I have zero regrets.

Coronavirus

In just a few days
I will probably be sick
Because some Chinese butcher
Put a ferret cage over a chick

Unknowing of the concoction
That mixed faeces will stew
Biological hazards
The planet never knew

No we're all coughing
Buying tissue in a panic
Just another day
In today's pandemic

Pandemic Typographer

When I have a cold
My sinuses turn bold

I capitalize my sneezing
Underline my wheezing

I'm filled with snot
As I adorn an i with a dot

I cough with great might
As my symptoms raise their X-height

Pestillence here, is this the rapture?
We must unite to survive, humanity's ligature

Our task: washing hands, the ultimate defender
If not, we'll be buried, like an excessive descender

Flower by Flower

I just got flowers for a lady
My motives are not shady

The truth of the matter rings true
I honor her is if she were new

Like a novel fascination
That resists dissipation

My true love not fleeting
Day by day, like a climb of the tower
For her, my heart beating
Day by day, flower by flower

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Do you normally dislike poetry? Me too! It turns out I like writing it, but I cringe at the thought of the stereotypical puffy culture surrounding it. If I want to smell my own farts all day, I stuff my belly with garlic and onions, thank you very much.

Anyway, if you want more poetry without all the stuffy pseudo-intellectual silliness attached, subscribe to my newsletter below. Unsubscribe at anytime. I respect your time by respecting mine. I don’t send frivolous bullshit.

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Sorry, sorry! I just thought since you've been on this site for longer than average, you might hear me out?

Why do you do this to me, Ian...

Okay, okay, I'll be quick! I have a newsletter to keep you up-to-date on my content and projects. If my stuff tickles your pickle, help us both out by subscribing!

Also, I don't do anything shady or aggressive with your email address. I'll only send you the good stuff and won't share your email with any person/provider that isn't working for me to serve you better.

'Serve me better.' What deliciously vague jargon. Is this where you pretend to be me and you make me respond with a contrived form of consent because you're bold enough to assume this cute little chat interface gimmick is enough to actually get me to sign up?

Ummm... uhhh... ahh... Sign up and get exclusive discounts and early access!!!! Come ooooon! Induced scarcity is fun!


...alright, well, I'll leave it up to you.

Ian's Creations

Enderbook

The social app for Minecrafters. Share creations, follow friends, set up trades, & live chat.

Art & NFTs

Much like the poetry, another vehicle for humor, social commentary, & occasional beauty.

Homicide App

Arbitrary gatekeeping systems like laws, morals, and forceful intervention make murder more difficult than ever. With Homicide.app, murder from the convenience of home!

The Meme Hotline

Serving dad jokes over automated voice and meme text messages via SMS completely toll-free!

Objektiv Digital

Making websites for successful local businesses. The most effective one-man-agency you'll likely ever find.

Like this nav? It does what every marketing-oriented web designer will tell you not to do: shove as many things in your face as I can!