Chest Intellectual Puffing by Ian Rand McKenzie

The Shitty Trinity

I relieved myself today. How many times?
Not once
Not twice
But thrice!

I did yesterday as well. Again, how many?
Not once
Not twice
But thrice!

Can you guess how many the day before?
Not once
Not twice
Not even a single slice!

And do you know how many days I didn't find reprieve?
Not once
Not twice
That's right, thrice!

For whatever reason that it may be
For three days I am not free
Happening pretty much weekly
This is my shitty trinity


I do NOT like to be interrupted.
Just kidding, I love it!
Some people will cringe
Tell you to shove it

But, as you'll see
That's not me
To share a jolly good time
Just for you, I'll speak in rhyme

But, as you may have deduced
Sadly, my mind is reduced
To channeling my inner sage
And scribing inks on this page

Certainly, I mean not to be rude
But I must keep brief, this interlude
I hope by now your faces wear a smirk
Because I really must return to work

I’m Racist

I'm not racist

I am a good and righteous man
Laid out and executed my plan
But then the world didn't bend their knee
Now I think it has forsaken me

I never said the n-word

Except a couple of times singing along to a song
But I don't do it anymore, I now know it's wrong
And when I see the word scrolling in the chat
I say nothing at all and think, "good for me, I don't do that"

I'm not racist

That's the words I spoke
My eyes open, I am performatively woke
I slap on a BLM sticker
Actions are hard, buying something is quicker

I'm not a misogynist

A man asked my manager a question
She answered, he looked at me, a weird situation
I repeat her answer, he's satisfied
I shrug my shoulders and say to her, "you tried"

I'm not racist

Obama is so cool
Hitler was a fucking fool
Yeah, black people make less cash
But, what about white trash?

I'm not a lone wolf

I see discrimination from sex to religion to racial
I will put an end to it all because I'm special
I will orchestrate the death of all evil
I am the guillotine, the constitution, the gavel

I am a good person

I benefit from my hard work
I am a glowing light in the murk
I paved my own road with my father's quarry
While others paved theirs with hardship and worry

I fight the power for those who cannot 

My journey was hard and I will fight hard to stay
Thank God cops weren't stopping me along the way
I use my wealth and riches for comfort
And send a pittance to the antifascist effort

I am not a white supremacist

How could that possibly be?
Look at the stats, Asians are smarter than me
And the highest achievements in sports isn't fake
We all know them being black isn't a mistake

I'm not racist

But we all know white men built our society
All the roads, cathedrals, and efficiency
And where they are not present there seems to be
Violence, crime, and poverty

I'm not racist

That's what I say
Because I think it's action and not a way
Then one day I learned we take systems for granted
I don't even know where the food I eat is planted

I never said the n-word

And I think that gives me social clout
All the while, I never called that shit out
All my gamer friends, casually tossing out the slur
While I sit uncomfortably without even a whisper

I'm not racist

I am on your side, I even think I'm an ally
But, what do I do when I see yet another black man die?
On his family's wounds, I pour salt
Asking questions framing that it was his fault

I don't support the patriarchy

Getting off when defending her honor
Like I'm a women's rights marathoner
While I am completely losing sight
That I'm using my white supremacy to win the fight

I'm not racist

I speak my virtue with statements and aggression
Then subvert it all with the odd question
What about this, that, and the other?
Casually dismissing a brother

I'm not a lone wolf

And yet none of my heroes are real
Tyler Durden, John Wick, the Joker, all these men that don't feel
Anything other than pure rage
Masking their supremacy with virtue, I turn another page

I am a good person

To be fair, my struggle may be real
But I completely ignore how others feel
I'm climbing a mountain, somewhere in the Appalachians at best
While my brothers and sisters are somewhere around Mt. Everest

I fight the power for those who cannot

I'm broke as fuck now, but I know I'll build my empire
Will I do it with blood and exploitation and fire?
Oh, but it's for a righteous cause, I tell myself
Will I use my power for good, or to remain on the top shelf?

I am not a white supremacist

I come up with anecdotes that signal that I'm not
Repeating disingenuous stats like I'm some kind of robot
I have to justify my existence until I die
Were all my victories just a lie?

I'm not racist

Yet look at all the great things Europeans have done
While I ignore that the laborers did it at the end of a gun
I post a meme of a French cathedral next to an African shack
Yet I never questioned: built with whose blood and broken back?

Oh, fuck, am I the bad guy now?

I say I'm not racist because I don't try to be
Now I'm racist just for being me 
This is so unfair, I'm just a regular guy
This American dream is just a lie

I'm fucking racist

Now what? March on the capitol?
Put on a uniform and start my patrol?
Shoot up a school after having a bad day?
Maybe just take a blue pill and get out of the way

I'm racist and now I know it
I want to change but don't know how to show it
I'm a lesser victim of supremacy and patriarchy
While I was getting called a nerd, you were getting called darkie

The whole world is fucked up and we're poised for change
I'm openly racist, saying that sounds strange
Said with a humbled heart and open ears
Please tell me your truth, and struggles, and fears

Or don't, I won't fret
There's always the internet
Just tell me when I pull some white people shit
I'll shut up, get on my phone and Google it

We've all suffered from "the man"
And me propping him up was his plan
You've gotta be fucking kidding
I am no longer doing his bidding

It's not your responsibility, it's mine 
Like learning to drive to avoid a traffic fine
But we all have car horns used to beep
So please give it a bump if I act like a sheep


When you look, you can plainly see
How amazing our culture can be
With its noble moral dispositions
And fair and balanced coalitions

Yet, other times, when you look and see
How far we can fall from the tree
Casting aside faith and tradition
For a monetary-driven mission

Where you must pay a spiritual fee
For health and happiness, pain free
If you cannot afford it, don't ask why
Stay in your place until you die

Or, you can open your eyes and plainly see
How much better our culture could be
Please join us as we get up and shout
"Fuck this complacency, in and out!"

Pushing the Button

I think I'll push the button today
To make my feelings sway
From scarcity and fear
To celebrating with a beer

I just might push the button, I will
Faith in knowing I'll get my fill
Scarcity abandoned, say goodbye
I now see with a fresh new eye

When I push the button I know
I can make myself glow
Filling empty stomachs without being a glutton
All it takes is the push of a button


I believe many things
And I know a lot less
I believe my mood swings
I know I suffer from stress

I believe the Earth is a sphere
I know I don't care
I believe we act from places of fear
But I know love is there

I believe one day we'll find our way
I know that facing fear leads to loving
I believe love is here to stay
Despite all our pushing and shoving

I believe many things
And I know a lot less
But if I believe in loving things
My knowledge, God will bless

Yet, I don't believe in God, not really
...unless love is God
Go ahead, call me silly
A foolish, sad sod

I believe what I believe
And act on what I know
Keeping my beliefs on my sleeve
And rain or drought, reap what I sow

I believe many things
And I know a lot less
No matter what your heart sings
Knowledge isn't what your ego will confess

Benevolent Ruler

I am but a lowly fool
Living under benevolent rule
Of a person appointed by God
Living by the grace of their bejewled and golden rod

I give them the gift of all my grains
And their God blesses me with quenching rains
That hydrate my throat and thirsty fields
That bless my ruler with greater yields

Sometimes the rain washes out my home
Flooding comes and goes, a divine metronome
My ruler does not come to my aid
For I left our God unpaid

See, while I was plowing dirt
And mending my tattered shirt
I was unable to go to worship
Forsaking God for land stewardship

So, our ruler of God, heavenly ordained
Punishes my sins, leaving me pained
In this act, devoid of love and heart
Our leader is damned, torn apart

But not sent to a fiery abyss
Instead, burned by the lessons they failed to reminisce
They forgot the only commandment from their God above
To live their life with nothing but love

And now I gaze upon my leader's wrath
Untaught of putting love in my path
So here I am, plotting while I sit
About how this leader's throat will be slit

Swastika Stickers

I'm puttin' up a swastika sticker
Makin' my hate dick grow thicker
Post a video, make everyone hate me
All the while, I grow ever more lonely

Turns out, I wasn't full of hate
I was just trying to sate
The attention that no one gave
Please just give it, it's all I crave

See, when people like me do this for fun
The most desperate ones pick up a gun
They shoot up crowds, then blast themselves
Will you help me keep my guns on shelves?

I'm a broken lost soul
I'm losing control
Of all my sanity
And sense of dignity

I'm a straight white male, they say I have luck
But I was raised in a world where no one gave a fuck
All I need is an education on how to be a man
To be given some confidence and a plan

While I'm out here, spreading controversy and bait
I could've been a soldier for a better fate
For you and me
And our country

But I was raised by screens
Pixels were my only dreams
I found a like-minded crew
And we all began to stew

About how the world hated us
How it threw us under the bus
It didn't matter if it was true or a lie
Not in our echo chamber? Bye, bye

We're dangerous children
In the body of men
No one showed us the love we need to share
And for who we are now, they wouldn't even dare

But maybe you can craft a different fate
One-on-one, call out our hate
And not from your high horse, towering above
Be a fellow man, and say it with love

Highway in Hell

Some say there's danger
On the highway to hell
My story is much stranger
As you'll soon know well

For my highway wasn't to fiery pits
The fiery pits were already there
See, I was bringing my kits
To a sulfuric demon, my wits beware

This demon could snap my neck with two flicks
But, I have what I now know
Would save me from his tricks
It's to stroke his ego

So equipped on my person
Woven words that would end
Harm coming to fruition
By singing demonic legend

So at a crossroads in hell
I made a deal with a demon
And now, forever I'll be well
Life is light, and words are my beacon

Politics is Cringe

I've gotten pretty sick
Of all this politic
We all seem to fight
Over black and white

Why doesn't anyone say
That the world is mostly gray
The real red pill is found
In finding a middleground

Nobody will ever hope
For a slippery slope
All we need is to release
The idea of covering the slope with grease

They say we'll suffer the communist
That we're already suffering the capitalist
I've got an idea for you
It's that both are true

When we think in such extremes
We'll surely find the means
To endless self destruction
Away from equality's construction

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