Categories

Poetry

Chest Intellectual Puffing by Ian Rand McKenzie

A Better Man

I once had a rock
Given from a girl that liked me
She gave it as a keepsake
An object for our memory

I was afraid of the girl
So from the rock I ran
I'm a coward for not saying
I hope she found a better man.

Deprived

One night
Went to work
One sight
The lights lurk

Without thinking
Took my pill
Heart sinking
Why I'm ill

Cab home
Psychadelic lights
Secret tome
Mental mights

Home asleep
The lights fade
Another sheep
An unfortunate trade

One day
Lights will return
My way
Consciousness will churn

Teaching

If I could teach anything
I would teach journaling

A daily act in honesty
To better our integrity

If I could teach some more
I would teach entrepreneurial lore

Not just "the great"
But also those that arrived "late"

If I could teach one last thing for you to trust
Is that honest or not
Great or small
Ignorant or learned
We should all teach love before we turn to dust.

Colors

Today, I am purple
Productivity, the color blue
My pumping blood, red

Today, I am helping poeple
Helping people with you
Culling my sense of dread

Today, I am broken and I am whole
Making reparations for the days that I stole

Stationery

I am a killer
Afraid, you should not be
For I am a killer
Of my favorite stationery

There's nothing more satisfying
Then killing a pen
There's nothing more gratifying
Of all I wrote up to then

There was so much learning
And self discovery
Soon I'll be yearning
For enough paper to kill a tree.

Mornings

My morning is chaos
Can't you see?
Sometimes I shower
Or stare at a tree

I'll snooze my alarm
Most of the time
It's always self-harm
Sleeping on my life's dime

I'm trying to do better
And one day I will
For now, I'm an alarm setter
And a slave to my pill.

Hello Canada

Hello Canada
My new home
You're so very familiar
A new place to roam

Hello Canada
As some would say, "America's hat"
You could easily be a few more states
Did you know that?

But you're not
And that's great
A place of independent thought
And a will to your own fate

But never forget
That people are people
And do not let
Your people be sheep-le

You are tall and proud
Steadfast and wise
So resist the enemy's shroud
Lest we see our demise

Little Miss Pickle Muffin

I once had a cat
Not a dog, not a puffin
I once had a cat
Her name, Little Miss Pickle Muffin

She was a goodest girl
She was a puffy floof of loves
I'll never forget her furl
Or those veterenarean's gloves

But enough of that
What's done is done
I'll still love that cat
And her presence as warm as the sun

So here's to our pets
And the ways we toughen
When we go to vets
And say goodbye to Little Miss Pickle Muffin

The Curse of Technology

What device shall we blame today?
For our own bad habits and sinful way?
Which technology are we to blame?
For our addiction and our shame?

How about the phone! The TV! The car!
The radio! The music! The drinking bar!
Let's blame electricity! No, let's blame fire!
Let's blame anything other than our misguided desire.

Man of the Year

All hail, flatulator of the year!
A man so flatulant
He can fart you to tears!

All hail, the man with gas!
We love his smell
Though some would rather pass

All hail, the many of many farts
He's repulsed so many
But he's captured our hearts.

Subscribe for More Poetry Puff.

Do you normally dislike poetry? Me too! It turns out I like writing it, but I cringe at the thought of the stereotypical puffy culture surrounding it. If I want to smell my own farts all day, I stuff my belly with garlic and onions, thank you very much.

Anyway, if you want more poetry without all the stuffy pseudo-intellectual silliness attached, subscribe to my newsletter below. Unsubscribe at anytime. I respect your time by respecting mine. I don’t send frivolous bullshit.

AGHKGH! [email protected]&# OFF POPUP!

Sorry, sorry! I just thought since you've been on this site for longer than average, you might hear me out?

Why do you do this to me, Ian...

Okay, okay, I'll be quick! I have a newsletter to keep you up-to-date on my content and projects. If my stuff tickles your pickle, help us both out by subscribing!

Also, I don't do anything shady or aggressive with your email address. I'll only send you the good stuff and won't share your email with any person/provider that isn't working for me to serve you better.

'Serve me better.' What deliciously vague jargon. Is this where you pretend to be me and you make me respond with a contrived form of consent because you're bold enough to assume this cute little chat interface gimmick is enough to actually get me to sign up?

Ummm... uhhh... ahh... Sign up and get exclusive discounts and early access!!!! Come ooooon! Induced scarcity is fun!


...alright, well, I'll leave it up to you.

Ian's Creations

Enderbook

The social app for Minecrafters. Share creations, follow friends, set up trades, & live chat.

Art & NFTs

Much like the poetry, another vehicle for humor, social commentary, & occasional beauty.

Homicide App

Arbitrary gatekeeping systems like laws, morals, and forceful intervention make murder more difficult than ever. With Homicide.app, murder from the convenience of home!

The Meme Hotline

Serving dad jokes over automated voice and meme text messages via SMS completely toll-free!

Objektiv Digital

Making websites for successful local businesses. The most effective one-man-agency you'll likely ever find.

Like this nav? It does what every marketing-oriented web designer will tell you not to do: shove as many things in your face as I can!