Close this search box.

Servants of the Horsemen

I’ve got rhythm
I’ve got class
I’ve got glamour falling out my ass

I piss out sunshine
And curse my melodies
To all my fans, I give the finest herpes 

Murder murder murder
Kill kill kill
I am your systemic shill shill shill

Buy my album
Buy my shirt
Buy my bathwater where I squirt squirt squirt

My civilization, sealed, with a platonic crest
Ruled by boys affixed to lactating breast

We've cast out our halves and all our emotion
Wait, what's causing all of this commotion?

The end is nigh, they say
Surely, their minds are astray

The end is nigh, they say
Yet we live it every day

Look to any shore
Somewhere is War

Another place is a river, full of swimming salmon
Within its horizon, there is also Famine

And in that same short distance
You will find Pestilence

And with opinions in our breath
We exhale our Death

It is the apocalypse that we fear
And it did not start this year

We feared this will be our fate
{} is today's date

It is the apocalypse that we fear
Lo, for millennia, it was always here

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Subscribe for More Poetry Puff.

Do you normally dislike poetry? Me too! It turns out, I like writing it, but I cringe at the thought of the stereotypical puffy culture surrounding it. If I want to smell my own farts all day, I stuff my belly with garlic and onions, thank you very much.

Anyway, if you want more poetry without all the stuffy pseudo-intellectual silliness attached, subscribe to my newsletter below. Unsubscribe at anytime. I respect your time by respecting mine. I don’t send frivolous bullshit.


Sorry, sorry! I just thought since you've been on this site for longer than average, you might hear me out?

Why do you do this to me, Ian...

Okay, okay, I'll be quick! I have a newsletter to keep you up-to-date on my content and projects. If my stuff tickles your pickle, help us both out by subscribing!

Also, I don't do anything shady or aggressive with your email address. I'll only send you the good stuff and won't share your email with any person/provider that isn't working for me to serve you better.

'Serve me better.' What deliciously vague jargon. Is this where you pretend to be me and you make me respond with a contrived form of consent because you're bold enough to assume this cute little chat interface gimmick is enough to actually get me to sign up?

Ummm... uhhh... ahh... Sign up and get exclusive discounts and early access!!!! Come ooooon! Induced scarcity is fun!

...alright, well, I'll leave it up to you.

Ian's Creations


The social app for Minecrafters. Share creations, follow friends, set up trades, & live chat.

Art & NFTs

Much like the poetry, another vehicle for humor, social commentary, & occasional beauty.

Homicide App

Arbitrary gatekeeping systems like laws, morals, and forceful intervention make murder more difficult than ever. With, murder from the convenience of home!

The Meme Hotline

Serving dad jokes over automated voice and meme text messages via SMS completely toll-free!

Objektiv Digital

Making websites for successful local businesses. The most effective one-man-agency you'll likely ever find.

Like this nav? It does what every marketing-oriented web designer will tell you not to do: shove as many things in your face as I can!